


Inspector Spacetime and the Electric Rabbi

by seldonfound



Category: Inspector Spacetime
Genre: Gen, Hanukkah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-21
Updated: 2011-12-21
Packaged: 2017-10-27 18:39:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/298829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seldonfound/pseuds/seldonfound





	Inspector Spacetime and the Electric Rabbi

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Amand_r](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amand_r/gifts).



Prologue

Elizabeth stared skeptically at the ominous shapes in the booth ahead of her. She was trying hard not to be afraid, as her mother had told her that she would get a bag of shiny chocolate coins if she was good and did not cry when it was her turn to get her picture taken with the Electric Rabbi. She clutched tightly to her mother's hand, trying to steel her resolve. The truth was the mechanical man, with his ridiculous mop of black hair in its thick curls scared the living bemoses out of her. She gripped tightly to the pink taffeta of her church dress trying to steel her resolve. Above her, her mother was casually chatting on her mobile phone, casually unaware of the fact that a simple line of twenty people separated them from quite easily the most terrifying thing Elizabeth had seen in her six years of life.  
"Oh I know, Helen, I agree with you, it's terrible how Hanukkah has become so commercialized. I know I'm just feeding into it, with the pictures, and the present buying, but it's one thing to do the moral thing, and quite another to face Steve's mother without any new pictures of her granddaughter. That woman is a monster from beyond Rigel, I swear!"  
Elizabeth began to tremor as the line inched forward. It seemed as they moved slowly forward that time slowed down, drawing out the terrible moments that separated her and her confrontation with her darkest fear. Her chin, still laden with baby-fat, quivered visibly every time they had to move closer to the front. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity of endless torment, they had reached the front of the line. Elizabeth wished for nothing more than to bury her head in her mother's skirt, or to run screaming away, but she kept her eyes on the prize, she could smell the scent of the glittering chocolate coins, and she knew that this year she was big enough, brave enough to see this trial to its end. She stepped forward, climbed unto the platform, and tried not to think about what she was doing as she mounted the lap of the mechanical monster.  
"Smile for the camera, pretty girl!" the excited you girl working the camera exclaimed. The fiercely brave girl in the pink dress summoned all of her warrior's courage and managed a weak but tenacious smile. The camera flashed, and she knew the ordeal was almost over. Her cheeks flush with her triumph over her fears, Elizabeth turned to face her demon, to look him in his eyes. The silver man upon whose lap she was perched stared back at her, his cold black eyes filling her with dread. She instantly regretted her decision to look at him.  
"WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR HANUKKAH?" It was all she could bear. Her mind gripped with madness and panic, Elizabeth bolted from the booth, plowing in a random direction. She screamed like a banshee as she darted into the first place she saw that offered cover from the shiny demon confronting her, a door nearby marked with a simple "Staff Only" sign. Her ballet flats clacked on the floor as she ran down the hallway, and as she put distance between her and the monster she felt herself calm down, back to rationality. She turned the corner as the hallway curved to the left, and what she saw there returned her to her state of blind panic instantly. Two of the silver men, minus their wigs and festival suits, were dragging a man who seemed to be very hurt down the hallway and into the darkness. She screamed and bolted back towards the entrance, running smack into her mother, who scooped her up.  
"There you are, you had me worried sick. I'm sorry the man scared you, I promise we won't make you go again. Now let's go home and light the candle, sweetie. It's all going to be fine." Staring into her mother's loving face, she could almost forget about the silver men and their cold, dead eyes. But what had they been doing with that poor man?

Chapter 1

A cold wind blew through the alleyway. Suddenly a normal looking red phone box materialized in the middle of it. The door clattered open abruptly, and a man in a dusty brown coat and sharp-looking black bowler hat sprang out. He landed on one foot, spun around, and threw his arms wide as he breathed in deeply.  
"Do you smell that, Constable? It's my favorite time of year. The spices, the wax, the people bustling about getting ready for their family dinner, I tell you, there is no better time of year than Hanukkah!" Clapping his hands together, he turned and looked over his shoulder at the aforementioned constable, who was pushing his way out of the phone box as well, looking more than a little green around the gills.  
"Blimey, Inspector, I know we was in a hurry, but you din't have to take the shortcut through that asteroid belt. I'd just et!" Constable Wigglesworth steadied himself on the frame of the DARSIT. The Inspector moved towards him, clasped him about the shoulder, and pushed him bodily towards the mouth of the alleyway.  
"No time for fooling around with space-sickness, Constable, we've got exploring to do! I promised you I would show you the most amazing Hanukkah celebration in all the galaxy, and here we are." He rubbed his hands together with excitement. "The mining community of Earth-7 ran into trouble on their first year on the planet, a crash of one of the supply ships left them with with just one month's worth of life support, but because of a mineral compound in the atmosphere of the planet, the oxygen filtration systems worked at an astonishing capacity, and the settlers managed to stretch that fuel a full 8 months until the next supply ship could reach them. The event so inspired the miners here that they have the most amazing celebration every year in the spirit of the season. Food, celebration, games, Earth-7 in the early 23rd century knew how to embrace the Hanukkah spirit!"

The two men walked briskly out of the alley way and into the bustling street. Earth-7 had begun as a simple mining colony, but the profit and trade associated with the mine had grown the planet to the point where it was the crown jewel in a large and voluptuous human empire that spanned three star systems. Constable Wigglesworth could barely believe his eyes, the sights and sounds of the busy downtown shopping district were so intense. The spires of the skyscrapers reached up into the purple-tinted skies, and the personal aircraft buzzed and flitted through the air in a swarm of traffic. He nearly lost his hat as a child darted in front of him. "Inspector, I've seen some amazing sights, but ne'er ave I seen sugh a city as this!" The Inspector clapped him on the shoulder, while a broad smile creeped across his thin face.  
"Constable, my dear friend, this is what many consider humanity's finest age. Art, music, fashion, they were all at their apex! Come, let us bask in their industry!" The Inspector pulled his faithful associate through a nearby doorway, and the pair found themselves in the most amazing mall the Constable had ever seen. Shops lined the walls offering a wondrous array of goods, from airy, impossibly hanging dresses, to childrens' toys that seemed to defy the very laws of physics. As they moved through the crowd, the Inspector's smile continued to grow, and it was obvious he was delighted at the festive bustle unfolding in front of him.  
"Blimey, Inspector, this is sure amazing!" the Constable exclaimed.  
"I know, Reggie, we must sample all the sights and sounds. You really must see what they've done with a latke in the 23rd century! but first, as tradition in this day and age dictates, we must first find ourselves an electric rabbi, you'll be delighted by those."  
The electric rabbis had been originally developed when the colony was still primarily miners and their families as a way to preserve the wisdom of the people. The rabbis were simple robots, barely more than a basic AI on top of a broad knowledge of basic spirituality, Jewish tradition, and general education. They gave counsel to the miners, educated their children, and provided the community with general advice. As the community grew, so did their reverence of the symbol of their community, until the electric rabbi itself was a central part of specific ceremony, especially one as generally beloved and revered as Hanukkah.  
The pair pushed their way through the bustling shoppers, with the Inspector stopping occasionally to share a holiday greeting with a stranger, sample a chocolate coin, or play with some marvelous gadget for sale. The Constable was generally too overwhelmed to focus. He had only been travelling with the Inspector for a few months, and the enormity of the experience was still sinking in in places. Finally, the reached the open area in front of the food court, and found the garishly decorated wooden sign that denoted the start of the waiting line to meet the electric rabbi. The sign was covered with smiling cartoonish Stars of David, and expressed in friendly letters that one, if wishing to do so, could have one's picture taken with the electric rabbi for a simple fee of 1400 credits.  
"Gonna get yer mug taken with the robot, Inspector?" The constable smirked and nudged the Time Master in the ribs.  
"Of course I am! Would I break the streak?" With a questioning look in his eye, the Inspector produced a stack of instant camera film cells, each one a little older than the first. The depicted the Inspector, even going back into his previous regeneration, posed comically in each frame with a serious looking silver robot. "It's the best part of the tradition, and an experience you shouldn't miss. This year, we can both get our picture with him!"  
The Constable rolled his eyes. He should be used to the Inspector's flights of whimsy by now, but there was always something new when he thought he had seen everything. He was determined not to let the ridiculous ritual to deter him from marveling in the sights and soaking up all the future had to offer. They waited a short time, and soon they were in the front of the line. The Constable turned from wher ehe had been admiring the spun sugar delights for sale at a nearby booth, and it was their turn to approach the chair where the mechanical man sat. As the crowd parted, dispersing from their earlier sitting, however, his amazement and wonder suddenly dissolved into dread and panic. The silver man sitting in the chair, adorned with the traditional rabbinical garb, was not like the one pictured in the stack of instant photos. Nonetheless, he was quite familiar to the Constable.  
"Blimey, Inspector, this electric rabbi is a Cyberchap!"

Chapter 2

The duo had decided to beat a hasty retreat and regroup to process this new information. Constable Wigglesworth had required a Fruity Slush to correctly process the terrifying prospect of the Cyberchaps after their last encounter, and the both of them were being cautious after their close encounter on Frabjuous IV. The general plan was to keep a low profile and figure out exactly what was going on. The Cyberchap, in defiance of most of their collective experiences with them, was sitting calmly as children were paraded onto and off of his lap, the camera snapping happily all the while. It seemed kind of terrifying and horrible, like watching kittens frolicking on the edge of a running wood chipper.


End file.
